The death of a person is an emotional and thought provoking experience. My father passed a few months ago. Not the wonderful man whom I wholeheartedly and lovingly call dad now but the man who brought me into this worldly existence. We had not spoken in eighteen years for reasons to be left unsaid. I have rode one heck of an emotional rollercoaster these past few months.
But I also have spent a lot of time thinking. About myself. I realized that I have been carrying around in my heart an awful, enormous amount of hate, anger and hurt. Things that a person should not have to bare on their heart, in their mind…for such a length of time. I recognize now how deeply it affected me emotionally and mentally.
All those past relationships whether friendship or romantic that were lost due to the turmoil in my heart and soul. The emotional disengagement that I suffer through. My lack of trust, the fear of being hurt, and how tightly I closed off my heart had caused these people to walk out of my life.
That late February day in Texas, standing in the cold hospital room where the sense of impending death loomed, I learned a very valuable lesson. One that I will never forget. Forgiveness. It is one mighty powerful thing that all struggle with. Something that until then I myself did not think I was capable of, if ever, regarding this particular situation. I forgave.
Not for him but for me. It was the most liberating and profound experience. As I stood by his bedside with the quiet hum of the machines keeping him alive; I was able to let go of that anger, hate and hurt with uttering three simple words….. I forgive you. Followed shortly, through the tears streaming down my face, by… even though you never said you were sorry.
Nothing more nothing less. All that I had to speak out loud, come to peace, and truly mean it with every fiber of my being. It has freed my heart, my soul. I have let go of it all and surprisingly I feel better than I have in many years. That chapter in my life is closed for good. I am sad for his passing as anyone’s death is tragic.
But he left me with the parting gift of the unbinding my heart; giving me the ability to trust, love, and be whole once again.