Strength

It’s been a while..

God I don’t even know where to start. The past six months have been the hardest but most revealing I think I’ve ever experienced. I quite literally uprooted everything that I had known for 17 years and started over. A clean slate yes but holy fucking terrifying. I took a risk with the unknown in hopes of saving myself from completely losing all. Left the complacently behind. It was a gamble but it paid off.  

Freed myself from the so called drama, torment and anguish that I bared for so many years. And now I will never look back. This time, this abrupt change of course has given me the gift of reaching deep down and going through it all. My grandmother said you always have to bleed before you heal. And by god I have. Every moment, every single damn thing that has lead me here has been revisited, dealt with and will be resolved in some fashion. 

So many mistakes and misdirections. Things that can’t be taken back nor corrected. Those that I care for the most hurt in my perpetual downward spiral. These months have made me look at life quite differently. The person I am. How I subconsciously held onto the past and how it negatively impacted my everyday life. Causing me to be selfish, apprehensive and negative.  

Pushing away anyone that dared to attempt to break down the carefully constructed walls around my heart and soul. To know the real me. See the vulnerable, tormented and complicated person I am. So I instead released hurt and disdain upon them instead even though all that they were trying to do is help. For fear of yet another trampling upon my already battered and tattered self. 

Was I wrong yes. You have to bleed before you heal, and that itself is messy and ugly.  But you also have to ask for forgiveness in that onslaught as that wise woman said. Some will forgive. Some will not. Most important is that you realize your own wrong doings and repent. Fix and make right those transgressions. Learn from the mistakes and mishaps. Become a better person. 

And that is where I am. Knowing I survived the storm, asking for forgiveness and bringing anew; with my sight on the present and future. Never again to look behind to the past. 

~Snarky

“In Order to Succeed in Our Future, We Must Learn to Forgive Our Past” – Coelho

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The death of a person is an emotional and thought provoking experience. My father passed a few months ago. Not the wonderful man whom I wholeheartedly and lovingly call dad now but the man who brought me into this worldly existence. We had not spoken in eighteen years for reasons to be left unsaid. I have rode one heck of an emotional rollercoaster these past few months.

But I also have spent a lot of time thinking. About myself. I realized that I have been carrying around in my heart an awful, enormous amount of hate, anger and hurt. Things that a person should not have to bare on their heart, in their mind…for such a length of time. I recognize now how deeply it affected me emotionally and mentally.

All those past relationships whether friendship or romantic that were lost due to the turmoil in my heart and soul. The emotional disengagement that I suffer through. My lack of trust, the fear of being hurt, and how tightly I closed off my heart had caused these people to walk out of my life.

That late February day in Texas, standing in the cold hospital room where the sense of impending death loomed, I learned a very valuable lesson. One that I will never forget. Forgiveness. It is one mighty powerful thing that all struggle with. Something that until then I myself did not think I was capable of, if ever, regarding this particular situation. I forgave.

Not for him but for me. It was the most liberating and profound experience. As I stood by his bedside with the quiet hum of the machines keeping him alive; I was able to let go of that anger, hate and hurt with uttering three simple words….. I forgive you. Followed shortly, through the tears streaming down my face, by… even though you never said you were sorry.

Nothing more nothing less. All that I had to speak out loud, come to peace, and truly mean it with every fiber of my being. It has freed my heart, my soul. I have let go of it all and surprisingly I feel better than I have in many years. That chapter in my life is closed for good. I am sad for his passing as anyone’s death is tragic.

But he left me with the parting gift of the unbinding my heart; giving me the ability to trust, love, and be whole once again.

~Snarky Coppertop