When the Walls Come Down

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My soul has wandered this earth in search of a kindred spirit that would stir, move, and reawaken it; with passion, desire, hope and faith. On an endless journey to find the one who would inspire me, ignite me, shake me to my core. The person that possesses the little piece of my heart, body, and soul that has been missing thus far. Settle my tumultuous heart and bring a peaceful calm to my tormented mind.

I want to love without fear and to be loved without doubt. Trust without hesitation and give my whole self to someone. I thought I had found that in the past only to realize I had not for one reason or another. Not that I didn’t so to say love these people but they did not truly complete my mind, body, and soul.

And quite unexpectedly I have stumbled upon that soul, kindred spirit. He has been right in front of me for years and I have ignored it, denied it. Doubted the initial feelings that welled up the moment he walked into my life and suppressed them with all my might. That connection that threw me because at the time it was not the right moment. But here I sit in what seems to be that “right moment”.

Now I have never been one to cuddle or show much affection. But now it’s all I want when he’s near. I want to fall asleep tangled in his embrace and wake up in his arms. The subtle touches that send shivers through my body. The sweet, soft kiss on my lips when we say goodbye that makes me smile throughout the rest of the day. The butterflies in my stomach when he approaches still after these many months.

It’s not just the physical though. He gets me, more so than most. The strange quirks, silliness, relentless snark, my gypsy soul, and the “oh look shiny moments”. Talk about randomness, seriousness, or sit in perfect silence all the same. Makes me laugh, genuinely smile, and truly feel happy. The little, thoughtful things he does that show he really does know the true me.

Seen me at my best and been there for the darkest. Shown me it’s okay to let go of my stubbornness, independence, and pride; allowing for someone to help, to take care of me for once. Helped me realize and recognize more about myself than I had ever known as I have always focused my energy on everyone else around me.

He has slowly, methodically removed those bricks, one by one, from that reinforced wall I constructed. And I am absolutely terrified. Afraid to admit to myself or to him for the matter what I am feeling, thinking. Fearful that he or myself will run. Mostly me though. I don’t want to hurt again and that flight instinct is overwhelmingly present. The doubt running through my head that what I am feeling is not reciprocated. Not wanting to endure that pain and torture to my heart once again.

While visiting with my therapist recently she said to me “do not sabotage this one, let it happen. If it doesn’t happen, doesn’t come to fruition, don’t let that discourage you. You have come so far. Allowed someone to get close. Let those walls down around your heart, trusting enough to bare your soul, show those vulnerabilities that were so tightly guarded. To now turn around, disengage, and put them back up again would be devastating for your emotional wellbeing.”

So as much as I do want to shut down in fear and run for my life, I will plant my feet firmly for the time being….see what unfolds. Let the universe guide my course and let go of that hesitation, that fear. And in the end even if it does not work out at least this girl who thought she couldn’t love or be loved now sees the fallacy in her self perception.

Snarky Coppertop

 

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My Brain Hurts So Look At this Pretty Picture Instead.

I have been on a writing hiatus. I had to take some time to let my brain readjust to a lot of stuff going on in my personal life as well as to what has been going on in this country. My brain…it hurts. I have so much that I want to say. I have so much that I carry strong opinions on but finding the right words to perfectly convey my thoughts an feelings has proven to be a difficult task in these often tumultuous times. So. Instead I am going to post a picture of something pretty. Because I need some beauty to help combat all of this ugliness I see and I thought I would share that beauty with you.

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My Favorite Place to Go

I love the mountains. I feel the pull to return to them almost daily. Seeing this picture reminds me of how peaceful I feel when I am in the mountains and gives me something to look forward to when I do finally return.

We Got a Puppy…

Life has changed.

I wake up before 6 am now. I am hyper-vigilant about her food. Her walks. How and where and when she goes to the bathroom. I feel as though I have a newborn again…only this time there is fur, tiny nails, and sharp baby teeth she likes to try out on my shins and ankles and toes and every other thing she can try them out on. But she is sweet. And pretty. And so very smart! She is almost 10 weeks old and she is obeying the sit command 95% of the time. She is staying mostly accident free at night. We are crate-training her and when she is tired or wants some space, she hangs out in her kennel.  So it is her happy, safe space with was one of my goals for crate training.

But do you know who we got the puppy for originally? My two daughters, with my middle one specifically in mind since she was the one begging for this dog. But now she is not as involved, gets more frustrated, and generally wants to leave the care of said puppy to her little sister and me. And guess who is “Mommy” to the new puppy?

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Me. Yep. My girls are doing to me what my sister and I did to my mother when we were teenagers. (I am SO sorry, Mom. I get it now. I really, really do.)We begged for a puppy, got one, and then he became my mother’s closest companion because she was the authoritative one. The firm one. The one who he listened to all of the time because she showed him the best and most consistency. Even as an adult dog, Harley (that was his name) would generally ignore everyone else for my mother’s commands.

So, this new puppy-while they may say she is theirs-does not actually belong to my daughters. She is my puppy. A puppy they help take care of during the day when I am at work and they are on summer vacation. That is pretty much it.

Delilah, the new puppy, is 9 weeks old on Wednesday. She is getting taller. You can see how her legs are growing into the long, awkwardly coltish legs of a large dog who has yet to be so large. On those legs are hunormous paws. She is going to be a big dog. Oh. Her breed is a pitbull/husky mix ( A “Pitsky”). Her paws are webbed, so I want to try her out swimming. And we went on a run this morning which she loved. So, daily morning runs shall be our thing now. She is a pretty brindle color and her fur is soft but not too thick. Her ears stick up all on their own an her eyes are blue on the left and brown on the right. She always has a doggy grin and I do love her kiss-nibbles (when she goes in for a smooch then nibbles with her front teeth while smooching). I love this dog. Wanna see her??

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The 4th night she was home with us.

This is Delilah Rose. She is already spoiled rotten. I love this dog, y’all. LOVE. HER. Her little personality is so sweet and I can tell she really wants to please in general and she tries so hard to listen but she just gets so excited!

 

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Sleeping by my bed.

She wants to sleep in her mama’s room. And she is so trusting that she shows her tum when she sleeps all the time.

 

 

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While I am working at our satellite office, she snoozes the day away under my desk.

Obviously nap time the only time I can get a still photo of her as she is always moving. She loves to play. As evidenced by the action play shot below. Yes, that is a cat toy she is playing with and she loves it!

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But her little face is the sweetest face and kissing her nose is one of my new favorite activities. I won’t ever get tired of it. 20170718_130442

So, this is my new puppy. Even if my daughters call her theirs, I think we all know that she really belongs to me.

~The Grey

“In Order to Succeed in Our Future, We Must Learn to Forgive Our Past” – Coelho

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The death of a person is an emotional and thought provoking experience. My father passed a few months ago. Not the wonderful man whom I wholeheartedly and lovingly call dad now but the man who brought me into this worldly existence. We had not spoken in eighteen years for reasons to be left unsaid. I have rode one heck of an emotional rollercoaster these past few months.

But I also have spent a lot of time thinking. About myself. I realized that I have been carrying around in my heart an awful, enormous amount of hate, anger and hurt. Things that a person should not have to bare on their heart, in their mind…for such a length of time. I recognize now how deeply it affected me emotionally and mentally.

All those past relationships whether friendship or romantic that were lost due to the turmoil in my heart and soul. The emotional disengagement that I suffer through. My lack of trust, the fear of being hurt, and how tightly I closed off my heart had caused these people to walk out of my life.

That late February day in Texas, standing in the cold hospital room where the sense of impending death loomed, I learned a very valuable lesson. One that I will never forget. Forgiveness. It is one mighty powerful thing that all struggle with. Something that until then I myself did not think I was capable of, if ever, regarding this particular situation. I forgave.

Not for him but for me. It was the most liberating and profound experience. As I stood by his bedside with the quiet hum of the machines keeping him alive; I was able to let go of that anger, hate and hurt with uttering three simple words….. I forgive you. Followed shortly, through the tears streaming down my face, by… even though you never said you were sorry.

Nothing more nothing less. All that I had to speak out loud, come to peace, and truly mean it with every fiber of my being. It has freed my heart, my soul. I have let go of it all and surprisingly I feel better than I have in many years. That chapter in my life is closed for good. I am sad for his passing as anyone’s death is tragic.

But he left me with the parting gift of the unbinding my heart; giving me the ability to trust, love, and be whole once again.

~Snarky Coppertop

Dreams & Anxiety

I had one of those dreams. The kind that sneak up on you and you don’t even realize whats going on until your husband is waking you up because you are making weird noises and it concerned him. Yeah, I had one of those dreams.

It shook me. I can’t recall the exact details of the dream, but I woke up crying. I know it had to do with death. Everywhere I turned, there was death. And my heart ached for the death around me. But don’t ask me who died, why, how…I don’t know. The details went away with waking up. I just know there was death. And it made me SO sad. So when my husband woke me up because I was ‘making weird noises” I was really sobbing in my dream and upon waking, the dream wall fell, the real dam broke and the tears fell in earnest. It freaked my husband out. and almost made him cry, it bothered him so (at least that is what he expressed).

I hate those dreams. It’s been years since I had one. I used to have them all the time. They were all variations along the same theme: Death of my family, parents, and my children. Death of my friends. Death of my beloved pets. Death, Death, Death…I know it is my anxiety coming out in really screwed up ways (thanks, brain) but at least there is that kind of outlet for it, right? Yeah. Right.

I think I need to practice a bit more meditation before bed. Maybe give myself some more time to relax my body and mind and help relieve whatever tensions and anxieties prior to sleep, so this doesn’t happen again.

So, give me YOUR best relaxation before bed secrets. Any specific things that help you? Tip or tricks that can help anyone get to a place of peace and relaxation prior to sleep?

~The Grey

It’s a Funky-Feeling Kind of Day

Or week…month…*sigh*…YEAR.

I’m in a funk. A deep in the doldrums, feeling super blue about all the things funk. There is just this cloud of BLAH following me everywhere and there is SO MUCH CONFLICT. I hate conflict SOOO SOOO MUCH and yet…

Conflict with kids? Yep

Conflict with spouse? Yep

Conflict with life in general? OH MY GOD YES.

And I know it isn’t the end of the world. I know that I just need to keep pushing through. I know there is sunshine on the other side of all of this…this gray. I *know* that. I really do. But, right now, I’m in the middle of it and I am feeling all of the things that go with it and it just sucks so I need to complain for a moment.

I just wish there didn’t have to be all this damn conflict. I am so tired of the fighting. The fussing. The bitching about everything. No one is happy with anything and it is compltely out of my control. I see conflict on tv, I hear on it the news, I see it when I drive…I just don’t understand why there has to always be all this conflict.

Tomorrow is Friday. I am debating what I need to do this weekend to recharge. To feel better about myself. To give my mind a break so I can let all of this negativity go and feel better about life, in general.

A long day in the mountains? A long day at a spa?

I don’t know. Maybe I will just get in my car and go go go…just drive until I am in a beautiful place.

Of course, it’s supposed to rain like crazy all weekend here so maybe I will just stay in bed and binge watch #OITNB. Ya never know.

But I have GOT to decompress and get out of this funk, y’all. I do NOT have time for this shit.

Wish me luck!

~ The Grey

 

Holy Dessert, Batman

Be jealous I work with someone who makes this stuff and brings it in for ALL of us to eat. Be very, very jealous!!!

Peanut Butter Poke Cake

That is all. I just wanted to share with you all the deliciousness I am currently experiencing right at this very moment (typing this as I lift a decadent, gooey, peanut buttery cake laden forkful to my eagerly anticipating taste buds.)  I swear I can’t get this into my mouth fast enough. It is that good.

 

Okay. Back to the cake!

~The Grey