God I don’t even know where to start. The past six months have been the hardest but most revealing I think I’ve ever experienced. I quite literally uprooted everything that I had known for 17 years and started over. A clean slate yes but holy fucking terrifying. I took a risk with the unknown in hopes of saving myself from completely losing all. Left the complacently behind. It was a gamble but it paid off.
Freed myself from the so called drama, torment and anguish that I bared for so many years. And now I will never look back. This time, this abrupt change of course has given me the gift of reaching deep down and going through it all. My grandmother said you always have to bleed before you heal. And by god I have. Every moment, every single damn thing that has lead me here has been revisited, dealt with and will be resolved in some fashion.
So many mistakes and misdirections. Things that can’t be taken back nor corrected. Those that I care for the most hurt in my perpetual downward spiral. These months have made me look at life quite differently. The person I am. How I subconsciously held onto the past and how it negatively impacted my everyday life. Causing me to be selfish, apprehensive and negative.
Pushing away anyone that dared to attempt to break down the carefully constructed walls around my heart and soul. To know the real me. See the vulnerable, tormented and complicated person I am. So I instead released hurt and disdain upon them instead even though all that they were trying to do is help. For fear of yet another trampling upon my already battered and tattered self.
Was I wrong yes. You have to bleed before you heal, and that itself is messy and ugly. But you also have to ask for forgiveness in that onslaught as that wise woman said. Some will forgive. Some will not. Most important is that you realize your own wrong doings and repent. Fix and make right those transgressions. Learn from the mistakes and mishaps. Become a better person.
And that is where I am. Knowing I survived the storm, asking for forgiveness and bringing anew; with my sight on the present and future. Never again to look behind to the past.