struggles

It’s been a while..

God I don’t even know where to start. The past six months have been the hardest but most revealing I think I’ve ever experienced. I quite literally uprooted everything that I had known for 17 years and started over. A clean slate yes but holy fucking terrifying. I took a risk with the unknown in hopes of saving myself from completely losing all. Left the complacently behind. It was a gamble but it paid off.  

Freed myself from the so called drama, torment and anguish that I bared for so many years. And now I will never look back. This time, this abrupt change of course has given me the gift of reaching deep down and going through it all. My grandmother said you always have to bleed before you heal. And by god I have. Every moment, every single damn thing that has lead me here has been revisited, dealt with and will be resolved in some fashion. 

So many mistakes and misdirections. Things that can’t be taken back nor corrected. Those that I care for the most hurt in my perpetual downward spiral. These months have made me look at life quite differently. The person I am. How I subconsciously held onto the past and how it negatively impacted my everyday life. Causing me to be selfish, apprehensive and negative.  

Pushing away anyone that dared to attempt to break down the carefully constructed walls around my heart and soul. To know the real me. See the vulnerable, tormented and complicated person I am. So I instead released hurt and disdain upon them instead even though all that they were trying to do is help. For fear of yet another trampling upon my already battered and tattered self. 

Was I wrong yes. You have to bleed before you heal, and that itself is messy and ugly.  But you also have to ask for forgiveness in that onslaught as that wise woman said. Some will forgive. Some will not. Most important is that you realize your own wrong doings and repent. Fix and make right those transgressions. Learn from the mistakes and mishaps. Become a better person. 

And that is where I am. Knowing I survived the storm, asking for forgiveness and bringing anew; with my sight on the present and future. Never again to look behind to the past. 

~Snarky

And JUST when I thought things were getting better….

I get slammed with all new insanity. Someone up there is laughing at me.

Ever live in a house infested with mold?

I have. At the end of August, I discovered a ginormous wet spot in our rental home’s dining room corner. Upon further investigation, it seems the HVAC condensation line had been leaking (between the walls, mind you) for only who knows how long and there was MOLD GROWTH that was all the way up in the master bedroom closet to all the way down in the kitchen. Mold growth on the OUTSIDE of the walls…which means it was leaking for a while!

Mold, y’all. MOLD. YUCK.

So of course, we got the *F* outta there. The leasing company released us from our lease agreement without penalty, thankfully, so now my brood and I are living with my parents (which is a whole other blog post) until I can find another home. Which means a new adventure of trying to buy a house. How fun!

And, as icing on the cake, at the beginning of September someone decided to try and make a left hand turn through my brand new, only made TWO payments on it car. This is not a new to me pre-owned car. This was a straight off the lot, brand new car where the only mileage on it was from test drives.

So there is that.

Currently, the things that filled my home are sitting in storage. Currently, my car is sitting at the collision center that my family has used for an umpteen number of years and I have no clue when I will get her back.

I had intended to keep up with this blog after my last post but…if my intentions were used for anything other than updating my blog, it would be for paving the road to hell…if I believed in hell. And again, life got in the way.

But seriously, can the universe just stop now? I’m tapping out. The mysterious “They” say events happen in threes. Well, I have had my three happen this summer right on top of each other and I am done. I give. I don’t know what else to do to get it through to whomever is laughing at me up there that the joke has been played out and is no longer funny. I’m ready for my life to be normal again. Well…as normal as it will ever be. I’m ready to sleep in my big bed, ready to have my own space, ready to drive my own car instead of this shitty rental.

These are all very first world, very whiny, priviledged wants and desires. I am fortunate to have a great job so I can afford my vehicle, fortunate to be able to pay for the awesome insurance I have (State Farm kicks ass, y’all) so my car can get fixed and I can HAVE a rental instead of driving around a wrecked car with a wheel that might fall off an any given moment. I am very fortunate to have the family support so I had a safe place for my children and pets when we moved and a roof over our heads until we move into our new house (when I find/buy it). I am extremely fortunate to be able to wake up everyday and have the coffee I want, wear the clothes I want, eat the food I want, etc etc etc…I get it. I am a very priviledged white chic who should count her blessings. And I do, believe me I do.

My situation could be vastly different. I’m so very cognizant of that. My life is pretty blessed compared to most so I really shouldn’t complain. I really shouldn’t but…

Dammit, I want my car back. I want my house. I want my LIFE AS I KNEW IT back!!! The only constant in the universe is change. I know that. Understand that. And I know that in order to grow, change must occur…but why does it all have to be at once?

Life.

It is something I don’t excel at at the moment, but I’m working on it. If anyone finds the instruction manual, send it my way, will ya? I’m struggling….