When the Walls Come Down

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My soul has wandered this earth in search of a kindred spirit that would stir, move, and reawaken it; with passion, desire, hope and faith. On an endless journey to find the one who would inspire me, ignite me, shake me to my core. The person that possesses the little piece of my heart, body, and soul that has been missing thus far. Settle my tumultuous heart and bring a peaceful calm to my tormented mind.

I want to love without fear and to be loved without doubt. Trust without hesitation and give my whole self to someone. I thought I had found that in the past only to realize I had not for one reason or another. Not that I didn’t so to say love these people but they did not truly complete my mind, body, and soul.

And quite unexpectedly I have stumbled upon that soul, kindred spirit. He has been right in front of me for years and I have ignored it, denied it. Doubted the initial feelings that welled up the moment he walked into my life and suppressed them with all my might. That connection that threw me because at the time it was not the right moment. But here I sit in what seems to be that “right moment”.

Now I have never been one to cuddle or show much affection. But now it’s all I want when he’s near. I want to fall asleep tangled in his embrace and wake up in his arms. The subtle touches that send shivers through my body. The sweet, soft kiss on my lips when we say goodbye that makes me smile throughout the rest of the day. The butterflies in my stomach when he approaches still after these many months.

It’s not just the physical though. He gets me, more so than most. The strange quirks, silliness, relentless snark, my gypsy soul, and the “oh look shiny moments”. Talk about randomness, seriousness, or sit in perfect silence all the same. Makes me laugh, genuinely smile, and truly feel happy. The little, thoughtful things he does that show he really does know the true me.

Seen me at my best and been there for the darkest. Shown me it’s okay to let go of my stubbornness, independence, and pride; allowing for someone to help, to take care of me for once. Helped me realize and recognize more about myself than I had ever known as I have always focused my energy on everyone else around me.

He has slowly, methodically removed those bricks, one by one, from that reinforced wall I constructed. And I am absolutely terrified. Afraid to admit to myself or to him for the matter what I am feeling, thinking. Fearful that he or myself will run. Mostly me though. I don’t want to hurt again and that flight instinct is overwhelmingly present. The doubt running through my head that what I am feeling is not reciprocated. Not wanting to endure that pain and torture to my heart once again.

While visiting with my therapist recently she said to me “do not sabotage this one, let it happen. If it doesn’t happen, doesn’t come to fruition, don’t let that discourage you. You have come so far. Allowed someone to get close. Let those walls down around your heart, trusting enough to bare your soul, show those vulnerabilities that were so tightly guarded. To now turn around, disengage, and put them back up again would be devastating for your emotional wellbeing.”

So as much as I do want to shut down in fear and run for my life, I will plant my feet firmly for the time being….see what unfolds. Let the universe guide my course and let go of that hesitation, that fear. And in the end even if it does not work out at least this girl who thought she couldn’t love or be loved now sees the fallacy in her self perception.

Snarky Coppertop

 

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My Brain Hurts So Look At this Pretty Picture Instead.

I have been on a writing hiatus. I had to take some time to let my brain readjust to a lot of stuff going on in my personal life as well as to what has been going on in this country. My brain…it hurts. I have so much that I want to say. I have so much that I carry strong opinions on but finding the right words to perfectly convey my thoughts an feelings has proven to be a difficult task in these often tumultuous times. So. Instead I am going to post a picture of something pretty. Because I need some beauty to help combat all of this ugliness I see and I thought I would share that beauty with you.

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My Favorite Place to Go

I love the mountains. I feel the pull to return to them almost daily. Seeing this picture reminds me of how peaceful I feel when I am in the mountains and gives me something to look forward to when I do finally return.

We Got a Puppy…

Life has changed.

I wake up before 6 am now. I am hyper-vigilant about her food. Her walks. How and where and when she goes to the bathroom. I feel as though I have a newborn again…only this time there is fur, tiny nails, and sharp baby teeth she likes to try out on my shins and ankles and toes and every other thing she can try them out on. But she is sweet. And pretty. And so very smart! She is almost 10 weeks old and she is obeying the sit command 95% of the time. She is staying mostly accident free at night. We are crate-training her and when she is tired or wants some space, she hangs out in her kennel.  So it is her happy, safe space with was one of my goals for crate training.

But do you know who we got the puppy for originally? My two daughters, with my middle one specifically in mind since she was the one begging for this dog. But now she is not as involved, gets more frustrated, and generally wants to leave the care of said puppy to her little sister and me. And guess who is “Mommy” to the new puppy?

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Me. Yep. My girls are doing to me what my sister and I did to my mother when we were teenagers. (I am SO sorry, Mom. I get it now. I really, really do.)We begged for a puppy, got one, and then he became my mother’s closest companion because she was the authoritative one. The firm one. The one who he listened to all of the time because she showed him the best and most consistency. Even as an adult dog, Harley (that was his name) would generally ignore everyone else for my mother’s commands.

So, this new puppy-while they may say she is theirs-does not actually belong to my daughters. She is my puppy. A puppy they help take care of during the day when I am at work and they are on summer vacation. That is pretty much it.

Delilah, the new puppy, is 9 weeks old on Wednesday. She is getting taller. You can see how her legs are growing into the long, awkwardly coltish legs of a large dog who has yet to be so large. On those legs are hunormous paws. She is going to be a big dog. Oh. Her breed is a pitbull/husky mix ( A “Pitsky”). Her paws are webbed, so I want to try her out swimming. And we went on a run this morning which she loved. So, daily morning runs shall be our thing now. She is a pretty brindle color and her fur is soft but not too thick. Her ears stick up all on their own an her eyes are blue on the left and brown on the right. She always has a doggy grin and I do love her kiss-nibbles (when she goes in for a smooch then nibbles with her front teeth while smooching). I love this dog. Wanna see her??

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The 4th night she was home with us.

This is Delilah Rose. She is already spoiled rotten. I love this dog, y’all. LOVE. HER. Her little personality is so sweet and I can tell she really wants to please in general and she tries so hard to listen but she just gets so excited!

 

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Sleeping by my bed.

She wants to sleep in her mama’s room. And she is so trusting that she shows her tum when she sleeps all the time.

 

 

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While I am working at our satellite office, she snoozes the day away under my desk.

Obviously nap time the only time I can get a still photo of her as she is always moving. She loves to play. As evidenced by the action play shot below. Yes, that is a cat toy she is playing with and she loves it!

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But her little face is the sweetest face and kissing her nose is one of my new favorite activities. I won’t ever get tired of it. 20170718_130442

So, this is my new puppy. Even if my daughters call her theirs, I think we all know that she really belongs to me.

~The Grey

It’s a Funky-Feeling Kind of Day

Or week…month…*sigh*…YEAR.

I’m in a funk. A deep in the doldrums, feeling super blue about all the things funk. There is just this cloud of BLAH following me everywhere and there is SO MUCH CONFLICT. I hate conflict SOOO SOOO MUCH and yet…

Conflict with kids? Yep

Conflict with spouse? Yep

Conflict with life in general? OH MY GOD YES.

And I know it isn’t the end of the world. I know that I just need to keep pushing through. I know there is sunshine on the other side of all of this…this gray. I *know* that. I really do. But, right now, I’m in the middle of it and I am feeling all of the things that go with it and it just sucks so I need to complain for a moment.

I just wish there didn’t have to be all this damn conflict. I am so tired of the fighting. The fussing. The bitching about everything. No one is happy with anything and it is compltely out of my control. I see conflict on tv, I hear on it the news, I see it when I drive…I just don’t understand why there has to always be all this conflict.

Tomorrow is Friday. I am debating what I need to do this weekend to recharge. To feel better about myself. To give my mind a break so I can let all of this negativity go and feel better about life, in general.

A long day in the mountains? A long day at a spa?

I don’t know. Maybe I will just get in my car and go go go…just drive until I am in a beautiful place.

Of course, it’s supposed to rain like crazy all weekend here so maybe I will just stay in bed and binge watch #OITNB. Ya never know.

But I have GOT to decompress and get out of this funk, y’all. I do NOT have time for this shit.

Wish me luck!

~ The Grey

 

Holy Dessert, Batman

Be jealous I work with someone who makes this stuff and brings it in for ALL of us to eat. Be very, very jealous!!!

Peanut Butter Poke Cake

That is all. I just wanted to share with you all the deliciousness I am currently experiencing right at this very moment (typing this as I lift a decadent, gooey, peanut buttery cake laden forkful to my eagerly anticipating taste buds.)  I swear I can’t get this into my mouth fast enough. It is that good.

 

Okay. Back to the cake!

~The Grey

Shameless

Walking through life with the weight of the world upon my shoulders.

Pushing to break free from the chains of shame that bind me to my past.

To my mistakes.

To my fear.

To the constant threat of being found an impostor in my own skin.

I am not perfect.

But I will walk with shoulders back, eyes forward, chin lifted.

A silent, yet physical protest to the devils in my head,

whispering their words of guilt-inducing discouragement.

I will continue to try to live my life as I want to.

I will continue on.

Shameless

 

 

 

Can You Really Just be Friends with Someone of the Opposite Sex?

At some point in our lives we all seem to have that one best friend, the one we can confide in without limits. Tell them everything, cry on their shoulder, and stay up all night laughing your asses off being obnoxious. There for you in the good times and in those moments when you are an absolute freight train heading towards the cliff with no breaks. For me, that has undoubtedly been a friend of the opposite sex.

In years past, it has always been completely platonic. I thought of these friends as big brothers who always had my back, of which the feeling was mutual. And that was what it was. Complete and total trust in them. Never having to worry about what might happen if we found ourselves alone and those primal instincts of jumping each other’s bones rearing itself.

Usually they had girlfriends whom for most turned into long term relationships if not wives. But here in the later years as we are all approaching the first of those milestone birthdays, I have noticed things have changed, changed drastically. As some, including myself, have endured breakups and divorces the tables have turned. And unfortunately some of those long term friendships I’ve had to let go of.

Let go of due to those primal instincts taking hold. No longer can we stay up laughing and joking all night as it turns into who can jump who first. Can I ask why and what has changed? Is it with age that these casual encounters seem less faux pas? It is after all someone that I have the upmost trust for and added bonus it’s not some random. But the thing is it’s not due to having feelings for each other, more of maybe filling that loneliness void. In the short term it’s great, fucking fantastic.  No strings attached.

As the weeks and months go by though the confusion sets in. One of us seems to meet someone that we want a relationship with and have those more than friends feelings for. Which in turn leads to the other singleton left out in the dark, wondering. Crawling up in their head trying to figure out did they have feelings for that friend.  Or was it just filling the loneliness void, a moment of vulnerability?

I have walked both sides of the equation and decided no more. No more crossing that friendship line with any of my long term friends of the opposite sex. Long term being defined as they knew me pre-divorce, pre-kid, or pre-marriage. Essentially they have grown through the years with me. As I have discovered it ends badly. For some people maybe not but in my experiences over the past few years it is just plain messy.

But what about those I have met since the long term definition? Here’s where it gets even trickier. I met this guy a few years back randomly. We chatted and hit it off immediately. I was attracted to him but we were both in our own separate, weird dating relationships at the time. Kept in touch though and a great friendship grew of it. We tell each other everything and when I say everything it’s all the nitty gritty. We don’t roam in the same circle of friends so I guess you could say we felt safe baring it all. My confidant, a therapist of sorts.

Few months ago it all changed. One night staying up being goofy, as he was trying to get me over the latest heartbreak, that friendship line was broken. Well to say the least it was erased into oblivion. As we were both suffering our own relationship woes we decided to enter into this whole “helping each other through it” arrangement. The two of us being emotionally detached peoples it was great at first.

Then it evolved. Not just a night here and there. But every weekend and the occasional week night. It dawned on me one of the last weekends he was here while we were folding clothes that I can’t differentiate is he being helpful as a friend or something more. It’s all blurred, I mean come on we were folding clothes on a Saturday night. So many mixed signals

He is talking to his ex again and asking me for advice. Before all this I wouldn’t have thought twice about giving advice but honestly I don’t think I can now because my own feelings could occlude it. I will admit when he talked about the ex I had those infernal stabs of jealously raging internally, and that took me by surprise.

Now here I sit pondering what the hell to do with this all. Again asking that damn question:

Can you really just be friends with someone of the opposite sex?  And not give in to those primal instincts….

~Snarky Coppertop