family

The Consistency of Change

The only thing that is constant in this universe is change. The land changes-becoming more or less populated (generally more). People change-growing and evolving emotionally and physically as they age and gain more life experience (one hopes). Governments and laws change.

Change change change. Everything is always changing.

For those of us who dislike change, where the consistency of change brings discomfort and a sense of unbalance, this is not always a good thing. However change is never ending, forcing us to adapt-however best we can-to the different circumstances in our lives.

My life has changed a lot in the past year. Two of my children decided to go live with their dad and stepmom. While it pains me to no end to have them there, I realize and understand this change is necessary. For them, for their lives, for their wellbeing. They needed to experience life on the other side, so to speak. To live with the parent that they had not grown up with in a household (we divorced when our kids were very young) that is different than their regular “norm”. There are hiccups here and there, as there are with anything that is new and different, but they are hiccups that they are learning to navigate through by learning how to interact in different ways with their dad and stepmom (who is a fabulous woman, btw-I like her quite a bit and could not have picked a better partner for my ex and a better stepmom for my kids). So far, they are doing well. So far. And I can only hope they continue to do well. My youngest is adapting well to being the only child during the week at our home with me and her stepdad. She enjoys it, I think, a little more than she should.

My husband and I are growing in our relationship and while growing pains are hard to deal with and can be somewhat painful at times, we are continuing to grow together. I am learning more about myself as his wife and what I am and am not willing to let go and he is doing the same…I mean…it’s only been three years since we got married. It’s about time for that, right? And I love him. I love him with a fierceness I didn’t know I could have for someone not of my blood, not of my womb. I love him despite our roller coaster of emotions that we experience (being that we are both bipolar, it makes form some rocky moments). I love him despite him not knowing the right things to say or do. I love him despite his rough edged rawness that can cause friction in our relationship. I love his heart. And I love the way he looks at me when he thinks I don’t see him watching me. His eyes get warm and tender and they crinkle at the corners when he smiles.

And without change, none of these things would be possible. As change creates emotions, opportunities, situations, and circumstances that forces us to deal with life in front of us. It forces us to react, to respond, to take action-even if our action is non-action, change is still happening.

So embrace change. Embrace the ever-evolving experience of life and all that comes with it. Grow into who you are supposed to be and love the changes that come with it.

~The Grey

My Dog Almost Died Last Night

Not even exaggerating on this one. So, here’s what happened:

Last night, the hubs was cleaning out the rest of the fried chicken from the fridge. We have several dogs-one small(Petunia the chihuahua) and one medium largish (Molly-the mixed breed chunky butt). They, along with our cats, were gathered around my husband like peasants begging for gruel from their kindly lord, eyeing the chicken he was eating most covetously. And, like every kindly lord, he gave out bites of chicken to his adoring and hungry subjects. Except one of these little peasants was a greedy bitch who took what was not hers.

Petunia.

The chihuahua.

Now…I admit, her greediness is a bit my fault. I indulge her with treats and snacks. I hold her frequently. She comes to my warehouse office with me. She goes shopping at the farmers market with me. Molly gets car sick so she is not much of a traveler, but Petunia is my purse puppy (although I carry her in large totes with blankies for cushion so she is comfy) and I can take her pretty much anywhere.

So, back to the Near Puppy Death Experience.

As husband was dropping pieces of chicken, he made the pieces appropriate for the animal he was feeding. Molly, being a tad slow on the uptake, failed to grab her piece in time and in darted Petunia, stealing the rather large piece. She took it to the hall. And then she came back to the kitchen. We didn’t notice anything was wrong until she started losing her footing. Her hind legs started going out from under her and I saw her eyes wide with fear! Husband was like, “Something is wrong with her!” I grabbed her, squeezed around her chest and forced her mouth open and sliding out of her throat came the ENTIRE piece of chicken she had stolen from Molly. It was too large. She was too small. And she had tried to greedily swallow it whole to keep it from Molly.

My poor baby almost died because she was trying to keep food from her sister. Instead of chewing it, or attempting to chew it, she swallowed a piece that was too big to fit down her throat and my dog almost choked to death. I held her close for a long while after that. She was relieved, her tiny body sagging against mine, her head nuzzling under my chin, her tiny paws gripping at the wrist of the hand that held her to me. My baby was hugging me, holding me just like I was holding her.

Today, she is with me at work. I expect every day I go to the warehouse office, she will go with me from now on. She has always been precious to me since I got her almost 4 years ago. And seeing her almost die last night reaffirmed I need to make being a better pet parent more of a priority. So I will spend more time with her, be more attentive, love on her more. Because I almost lost her last night. I’m so glad I didn’t!!

~The Grey

Petunia

Petunia, at work with her Mommy!

Summer Vacation Anxiety

I always find my anxiety ramping up a little right before school lets out for the summer. In years past, it was generally from trying to figure out affordable childcare for three small kiddos. Who was the best caregiver? Who was the best caregiver that was NOT going to charge me a gajillion dollars to keep my kids while I worked? What camps were there? Did I do day only? What about lunch? Snack?

SO. MANY. OPTIONS.

SO. MUCH. ANXIETY.

Now…the anxiety is there. But not for those reasons. All of mine are old enough to stay home without any supervision. My husband has a job where he has some days off during the week, so that is helpful. Now the only thing I have to worry about is making sure I have a good chore schedule set up for them so they can help keep the house clean during the day. The will mean my weekends aren’t spent cleaning up the disaster left by untidy teenagers. Now I have to figure out scheduling. Who wants to stay at whose house on what days and are they at their father’s house this week? Is my mother wanting her “Nana” time with the girls? How can I work in a few fun and affordable trips this summer? Do we want to try camping? A roadtrip?

A WHOLE new set of anxieties set in and my mind is swimming.

I think, this summer, other than making sure they have a chore list to complete, I am going to let them be bored. They can take walks. They can lay out in the backyard. They can read or have movie marathons or sleep in and stay up late (so long as they don’t wake me up!). They can color and write and figure out how to entertain themselves. I am not interested in staying anxious this summer. And I need them to learn to self soothe their boredom. Maybe we will take a trip/ Maybe we won’t. But I am not going to stress over it.

I hope everyone has a bit of repreive from the insanities of school being out. I hope everyone can find their happy medium with summer vacation planning!

Here is to a happy summer vacation!

~The Grey

 

Deep Thoughts on Depression

Hello everyone. Snarky Coppertop here and ever so present. Though the name insinuates that I am full of snark, sarcasm, and what not today something has hit me hard in the serious sector. I had intended to post something a little more lighthearted and snarky for my introduction but I have to get this out.

 

Something that honestly has been ever present in my life here recently more so than usual. Tough topic for anyone to talk about and most like to sweep under the rug. Depression. At some point in our lives we are all faced with it. Whether it be a friend, family member, significant other or ultimately ourselves.

 

In my family I was raised that it was a taboo. That you just “suck it up buttercup”, the past is the past don’t dwell on it, or the “no ones ever been depressed in our family, doesn’t run in it”. So for years I’ve hid it, buried it deep down and never spoke of that dark place my mind would constantly wander into. Put on my happy face.

 

I think now that’s where the snark and sarcasm truly came to light. It was a mask, a diversion that I could so easily hide behind. Don’t get me wrong it’s not all a masquerade but when I’m am down it is definitively more pronounced. The thing about it though is after years of denial I have finally reached the stage of acceptance.

 

Kicking and screaming the whole way. That willingness to reach out for help and approach it open minded was like climbing Everest without an oxygen tank. But I made it. I have my days still but I am more aware now than ever before that I have to get back off that ledge before I tumble over again for the hundredth time.

 

To my point as to why it has struck such a chord with me today. I have two friends that are themselves over that ledge. Both choosing the same poison as their coping mechanism, alcohol. One recently ended up in an inpatient rehab facility for a week and the other in the ER/ICU with internal bleeding. Neither still seems to have reached the acceptance stage of “I need help” nor the willingness to take it.

 

So here I sit in a quandary. I want to go sit down, smack them upside the head, and have a for lack of better words a “come to Jesus” discussion. But am I honestly strong enough to do so as I myself am just putting the shattered pieces of myself back together? Am I truly the right person to try and talk them back over the ledge? I know that dark place all too well and resist falling into it every damn day.

 

I will percolate on it tonight. And see what resolutions I can discover in my own tortured mind. For those reading if you do suffer from depression or know someone who is please don’t do it alone or allow them to. Find someone, anyone to help. Never be ashamed because as I have learned there are more people out there than you would ever know fighting this battle. Don’t let it beat you and and drag you down. It’s only permanent if you allow it to be so. And remember the first step to the healing path is actually reaching out.

 

Snarky Coppertop

 

Copper Top and the Grey: It’s Been A Long Time Coming

I have an announcement and a little back story. First, the back story.

When I was 17 years old, I met someone that will ALWAYS be in my life. I spent the summer after my highschool graduation essentially living on her couch. I was so much a part of that particular group of people that I had status at the apartment. The couch was my spot (much like Sheldon) and if I wanted to sit or lay down, others had to move. I slept on that couch, cried on that couch, laughed and sang and acted goofy with my friends on that couch. And I spent the majority of my time with that chic. She and I became fast friends and even though life has taken us in different directions at times, we always come back to our friendship as though no time has passed. She is the inspiration for me starting this blog. She is the inspiration for the name of this blog. And now, she is going to be a PART of this blog! <— That was supposed to be the announcement!

I want to extend an extremely warm welcome to my friend, Coppertop. She will be posting, just like me. There will be posts by us individually (We will sign our names to differentiate who wrote what: Her being the Snarky Coppertop and me being The Grey) and then there will be posts that are collaborative and there will be posts that are simply little transcripts of our conversations. We decided last night that our conversations are too ridiculous not to share, so you shall gain some insight into our little corner of crazy. Hopefully you all will cackle like crazy, as we both do.

So hopefully, in the necxt week or two, posting will become more regular again and there will be more entertaining content to enjoy and share.

Smoochies~

The Grey

Sometimes…

I’m a touch flakey. It’s okay. I know I am. All people are, at times, a touch flakey. I have all of these ideas. These GREAT ideas! Ideas for work from home business, ideas for food, for what I want to do through out the week…and then I flake. I mainly flake on personal goals but every once in a while there is collateral damage…

I’m still trying to figure out WHY I flake. Well…to be honest at times I flake because I simply don’t want to do what ever it is I am flaking on. It’s just easier to be like, “Meh…another time.” instead of forcing myself to do something I am less than enthusastic about accomplishing. Sometimes I flake because I have overbooked myself and I run out of time. This is within my control if I would just manage my time better but..hey. Life, you know? And sometimes I am flaking and I don’t even realize it because I forgot. I’ve got a gajillion things running through my head all day and night and with three kids, a husband, cats, dogs, work, household chores, remembering to take my vitamins, making food….phew…sometimes ALL of that gets in the way and I get distracted and I forget and the flakiness is completely unintentional. But still…being better at setting reminders is a goal to keep this from happening. Other times I flake because…well…commiting myself to something SO time consumming and large leaves me feeling overwhelmed and scared of “what if I fail??” and full of the guilt for any time taken away from my family. And facing those feelings is harder than flaking sooo….you get the point.

All of this is within my control. I don’t have to be a flake. I can be the person that I see in my head. I can.

Can’t I?

I mean, it isn’t like I set out to be this flakey person. I have THE BEST of intentions when I start out…but then I really just drop the ball. I need to get better at not picking up the ball if I don’t intend on holding  it like I am supposed to do. The only way to overcome that is to out myself and make the decision to move forward or not on whatever it is that I  am being flakey about and move the hell on.

 

So that is just what I am going to do. I am going to rehab my flakiness and become the Queen of Followthough….

I hope!

I am *NOT* your friend.

I had to reaffirm some rules this weekend. It was not fun, but it was necessary.

My husband and I have long contended over parenting styles. I am more relaxed, I have more of an emotional approach. He is more rigid, more structure based. Our differences are all based on our individual personalities and beliefs, but also on what kind of parenting worked for us best. I am working on my firmness and follow through. He is attempting to be a bit more relaxed and not quite so rigid. We are all works in progress.

i-am-your-mom

So, at times, my kiddos will push the boundaries and limits I have provided to them. My youngest lost her use of a cell phone because of poor choices with social media. We are currently in month almost 3 of her not having her phone back because she has yet to show me that she deserves it back through her choices and behavior. But keeping it from her is killing me! I hate her not haivng what she wants, but I have to remind myself constantly that this is good for her. That I am providing her with clear expectations and consequences and I am allowing her to make the choice of how long her phone is gone. I do remind her that she is the one in control of how long her phone is gone and that I am not budging on what my expectations are for her to earn it back. I’m expecting she will get her phone back in a week or two because she is improving.

i-am-not-your-friend-meme

When my kids got their cellphones, I made them all sign a contract with very clear expectations, do’s and don’ts, and requirements that came with them having access to cellphones. Some of those expectations are all authority figures have the ability to check the phone at all times, that we have access to all social media, and that they can not block us or lock us out of anything on their phones. Thisis to make sure they are not getting themselves into potentially dangerous ar risky situations that could harm them or others. My son decided to block me on a certain social media site. After repeated attempts to access said page, I had to remind him of who pays for his phone, how old he is, and that I am not doing this to embarrass him or cause issues, but to keep an eye out and to make sure he is safe. And I also reminded him that he signed a contract and he needed to abide by that. He gave me access…albeit begrudgingly. All of the teenage sullen looks were received last night. It was unpleasant, but necessary. He needed to be reminded that I am his parent, his authority figure, and even though he lives with his grandparents, that does not negate the fact that I am still his mother and he has to listen and obey.

not-your-friend-because-i-love-youI love my kids…but I am not their friend. I give them the boundaries and rules that I do to keep them safe. To help them learn how to work with others and to teach them how to behave in a way that is socailly acceptable, regardless of who they are with at the time. But staying firm witth them is hard…so keeping my mantra of “I am not their friend, I am their mother” going in my mind as I parent, as I discipline, as I spend quality time with them is what is going to help keep me strong in my decisions and firm in my boundaries.

 

Hard Choices and Parental Guilt

They make you second guess everything. They make you sit back and mull over all of the events leading up to the need for said choice. They make you rethink everything you have ever done when it comes to making that hard choice and they leave you wondering if the choice made was the right one once you actually make it!

My hard choice is still a hard choice. I’m over the second guessing myself, because I know in my heart that I made the right one…but it is still hard emotionally. Emotionally, I am torn. I am torn between what I know is right and what I want. But what I want is not based upon anything other than soothing my own emotional discomfort.

My hard decision was this: allowing my son to stay with my parents when my little family moved from my parents home into our own home in a different school district and county. Truth be told, it was a positive decision for him. My son is happy. He is doing well in school. He is making good choices and learning to do things that he needs to learn. Why did I allow him to stay? Well, he finally felt settled into a highschool and I didn’t want to move him. He is surrounded by friends that are good influences. He gets to be the only child that he wants to be while still maintaining a relationship with his younger siblings. But most importantly, he is happy.

I, on the otherhand, am pretty torn up. I miss my kid. I miss his goofiness. I miss his jokes and telling me all about some new game he is into or how he is trying something new with his lizards. I miss him being there in the morning and at night. Being physically seperate from him for an extended period of time like this is not okay and I feel guilt. I feel massive guilt.

Honestly, the massive guilt is probably why I feel so crappy. I really am thrilled that my son is happy and healthy and doing well. I am so fortunate to have parents who love my son so much that they would be okay with him living with them on a permanent basis. But that guilt…it’s brutal. And it eats at me at every possible moment.

I feel guilt for not being able to provide for my kid the way he needs. I feel guilt for not having the kind of relationship with my son that I had hoped we would have. I feel guilt for allowing someone other than myself to care for him. He is my first. The one who made me a mother 16 years ago. A young mother. And I think that is where it all comes to a point. I was a young mother. Not all young mothers have the same relationship with their children as I have with my son. Some grow to be inseperable. My son formed that bond with my mother rather than me, I think, because I was so young when I had him. I was barely more than a child-not even a month past my 20th birthday-when I had him. I needed her more than I knew and being a mother was something I had not planned on doing until faced with it realizing I couldn’t NOT be a mother because of what was in my own heart versus what society expected of me. And so I had him and cherished him (I still do) and I made the hard decision to allow him to live away from me.

I couldn’t ask for two better people than my parents to teach him, though. I am beyond blessed that they love him so much and are willing to look out for him and teach him and help him to become a good man. There is no lack of appreciation there, or gratitude, for their selflessness and generosity.

But this is hard. Harder than I ever imagined it would be. And even though I know this is what is best for my child, and as a parent I want to do what is best, it still hurts.

Teenagers…Sigh

raising-teenagers

 

I LOVE my kids. LOVE THEM. But they can push those buttons and do ALL the things that drive me insane. I joke that they are in a contest to see who can put me in a straight jacket first, but honestly, it feels like I am teetering on the precipice of insanity 99.9% of the time.

parenting-insanity

Can we talk pre-teen/teenage girls?

Are they *ALWAYS* this squirrelly? Are they *always* this emotional? Must they *ALWAYS* pick a fight with their siblings over *absolutely NOTHING* and then get mad when called out??

The answer to all of the above is a loud and resounding Y E S. Yes, they are. Yes, they must. It is ingrained, I think, in the DNA and when they hit a certain age, all reason goes out the window and it is an out and out free for all of emotions and actions and behaviors.

 

Complete and total chaos and unpredictability. ALL the emotional rollercoasters, all the drama, all of the hormones….ALL OF IT IS HARD!!!

phoebe-madness

 

This was me. This past week and weekend. This is almost how I had to handle the girls. I thought I was going to go insane!

But they survived to make me crazy another day. As did I. And of course, I am sure the rest of this week, should I play my cards right, will be almost a repeat of this past week. Exciting, eh?

parenting-teenagersI guess my point in all of this is that where there is insanity, where there is conflict, once has to find the humor. Humor has been getting me through a TON of parenting situations. Because sometimes, all you can do is sit back and laugh at what is going on. Because getting mad doesn’t work. Getting sad doesn’t work. But laughter…well, laughter can help to soothe the savagery and help my progeny live to make me crazy another day.

Raising teenagers is tough, y’all. No lie.