When the Walls Come Down

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My soul has wandered this earth in search of a kindred spirit that would stir, move, and reawaken it; with passion, desire, hope and faith. On an endless journey to find the one who would inspire me, ignite me, shake me to my core. The person that possesses the little piece of my heart, body, and soul that has been missing thus far. Settle my tumultuous heart and bring a peaceful calm to my tormented mind.

I want to love without fear and to be loved without doubt. Trust without hesitation and give my whole self to someone. I thought I had found that in the past only to realize I had not for one reason or another. Not that I didn’t so to say love these people but they did not truly complete my mind, body, and soul.

And quite unexpectedly I have stumbled upon that soul, kindred spirit. He has been right in front of me for years and I have ignored it, denied it. Doubted the initial feelings that welled up the moment he walked into my life and suppressed them with all my might. That connection that threw me because at the time it was not the right moment. But here I sit in what seems to be that “right moment”.

Now I have never been one to cuddle or show much affection. But now it’s all I want when he’s near. I want to fall asleep tangled in his embrace and wake up in his arms. The subtle touches that send shivers through my body. The sweet, soft kiss on my lips when we say goodbye that makes me smile throughout the rest of the day. The butterflies in my stomach when he approaches still after these many months.

It’s not just the physical though. He gets me, more so than most. The strange quirks, silliness, relentless snark, my gypsy soul, and the “oh look shiny moments”. Talk about randomness, seriousness, or sit in perfect silence all the same. Makes me laugh, genuinely smile, and truly feel happy. The little, thoughtful things he does that show he really does know the true me.

Seen me at my best and been there for the darkest. Shown me it’s okay to let go of my stubbornness, independence, and pride; allowing for someone to help, to take care of me for once. Helped me realize and recognize more about myself than I had ever known as I have always focused my energy on everyone else around me.

He has slowly, methodically removed those bricks, one by one, from that reinforced wall I constructed. And I am absolutely terrified. Afraid to admit to myself or to him for the matter what I am feeling, thinking. Fearful that he or myself will run. Mostly me though. I don’t want to hurt again and that flight instinct is overwhelmingly present. The doubt running through my head that what I am feeling is not reciprocated. Not wanting to endure that pain and torture to my heart once again.

While visiting with my therapist recently she said to me “do not sabotage this one, let it happen. If it doesn’t happen, doesn’t come to fruition, don’t let that discourage you. You have come so far. Allowed someone to get close. Let those walls down around your heart, trusting enough to bare your soul, show those vulnerabilities that were so tightly guarded. To now turn around, disengage, and put them back up again would be devastating for your emotional wellbeing.”

So as much as I do want to shut down in fear and run for my life, I will plant my feet firmly for the time being….see what unfolds. Let the universe guide my course and let go of that hesitation, that fear. And in the end even if it does not work out at least this girl who thought she couldn’t love or be loved now sees the fallacy in her self perception.

Snarky Coppertop

 

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