“In Order to Succeed in Our Future, We Must Learn to Forgive Our Past” – Coelho

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The death of a person is an emotional and thought provoking experience. My father passed a few months ago. Not the wonderful man whom I wholeheartedly and lovingly call dad now but the man who brought me into this worldly existence. We had not spoken in eighteen years for reasons to be left unsaid. I have rode one heck of an emotional rollercoaster these past few months.

But I also have spent a lot of time thinking. About myself. I realized that I have been carrying around in my heart an awful, enormous amount of hate, anger and hurt. Things that a person should not have to bare on their heart, in their mind…for such a length of time. I recognize now how deeply it affected me emotionally and mentally.

All those past relationships whether friendship or romantic that were lost due to the turmoil in my heart and soul. The emotional disengagement that I suffer through. My lack of trust, the fear of being hurt, and how tightly I closed off my heart had caused these people to walk out of my life.

That late February day in Texas, standing in the cold hospital room where the sense of impending death loomed, I learned a very valuable lesson. One that I will never forget. Forgiveness. It is one mighty powerful thing that all struggle with. Something that until then I myself did not think I was capable of, if ever, regarding this particular situation. I forgave.

Not for him but for me. It was the most liberating and profound experience. As I stood by his bedside with the quiet hum of the machines keeping him alive; I was able to let go of that anger, hate and hurt with uttering three simple words….. I forgive you. Followed shortly, through the tears streaming down my face, by… even though you never said you were sorry.

Nothing more nothing less. All that I had to speak out loud, come to peace, and truly mean it with every fiber of my being. It has freed my heart, my soul. I have let go of it all and surprisingly I feel better than I have in many years. That chapter in my life is closed for good. I am sad for his passing as anyone’s death is tragic.

But he left me with the parting gift of the unbinding my heart; giving me the ability to trust, love, and be whole once again.

~Snarky Coppertop

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Dreams & Anxiety

I had one of those dreams. The kind that sneak up on you and you don’t even realize whats going on until your husband is waking you up because you are making weird noises and it concerned him. Yeah, I had one of those dreams.

It shook me. I can’t recall the exact details of the dream, but I woke up crying. I know it had to do with death. Everywhere I turned, there was death. And my heart ached for the death around me. But don’t ask me who died, why, how…I don’t know. The details went away with waking up. I just know there was death. And it made me SO sad. So when my husband woke me up because I was ‘making weird noises” I was really sobbing in my dream and upon waking, the dream wall fell, the real dam broke and the tears fell in earnest. It freaked my husband out. and almost made him cry, it bothered him so (at least that is what he expressed).

I hate those dreams. It’s been years since I had one. I used to have them all the time. They were all variations along the same theme: Death of my family, parents, and my children. Death of my friends. Death of my beloved pets. Death, Death, Death…I know it is my anxiety coming out in really screwed up ways (thanks, brain) but at least there is that kind of outlet for it, right? Yeah. Right.

I think I need to practice a bit more meditation before bed. Maybe give myself some more time to relax my body and mind and help relieve whatever tensions and anxieties prior to sleep, so this doesn’t happen again.

So, give me YOUR best relaxation before bed secrets. Any specific things that help you? Tip or tricks that can help anyone get to a place of peace and relaxation prior to sleep?

~The Grey

It’s a Funky-Feeling Kind of Day

Or week…month…*sigh*…YEAR.

I’m in a funk. A deep in the doldrums, feeling super blue about all the things funk. There is just this cloud of BLAH following me everywhere and there is SO MUCH CONFLICT. I hate conflict SOOO SOOO MUCH and yet…

Conflict with kids? Yep

Conflict with spouse? Yep

Conflict with life in general? OH MY GOD YES.

And I know it isn’t the end of the world. I know that I just need to keep pushing through. I know there is sunshine on the other side of all of this…this gray. I *know* that. I really do. But, right now, I’m in the middle of it and I am feeling all of the things that go with it and it just sucks so I need to complain for a moment.

I just wish there didn’t have to be all this damn conflict. I am so tired of the fighting. The fussing. The bitching about everything. No one is happy with anything and it is compltely out of my control. I see conflict on tv, I hear on it the news, I see it when I drive…I just don’t understand why there has to always be all this conflict.

Tomorrow is Friday. I am debating what I need to do this weekend to recharge. To feel better about myself. To give my mind a break so I can let all of this negativity go and feel better about life, in general.

A long day in the mountains? A long day at a spa?

I don’t know. Maybe I will just get in my car and go go go…just drive until I am in a beautiful place.

Of course, it’s supposed to rain like crazy all weekend here so maybe I will just stay in bed and binge watch #OITNB. Ya never know.

But I have GOT to decompress and get out of this funk, y’all. I do NOT have time for this shit.

Wish me luck!

~ The Grey

 

Holy Dessert, Batman

Be jealous I work with someone who makes this stuff and brings it in for ALL of us to eat. Be very, very jealous!!!

Peanut Butter Poke Cake

That is all. I just wanted to share with you all the deliciousness I am currently experiencing right at this very moment (typing this as I lift a decadent, gooey, peanut buttery cake laden forkful to my eagerly anticipating taste buds.)  I swear I can’t get this into my mouth fast enough. It is that good.

 

Okay. Back to the cake!

~The Grey

Shameless

Walking through life with the weight of the world upon my shoulders.

Pushing to break free from the chains of shame that bind me to my past.

To my mistakes.

To my fear.

To the constant threat of being found an impostor in my own skin.

I am not perfect.

But I will walk with shoulders back, eyes forward, chin lifted.

A silent, yet physical protest to the devils in my head,

whispering their words of guilt-inducing discouragement.

I will continue to try to live my life as I want to.

I will continue on.

Shameless

 

 

 

Can You Really Just be Friends with Someone of the Opposite Sex?

At some point in our lives we all seem to have that one best friend, the one we can confide in without limits. Tell them everything, cry on their shoulder, and stay up all night laughing your asses off being obnoxious. There for you in the good times and in those moments when you are an absolute freight train heading towards the cliff with no breaks. For me, that has undoubtedly been a friend of the opposite sex.

In years past, it has always been completely platonic. I thought of these friends as big brothers who always had my back, of which the feeling was mutual. And that was what it was. Complete and total trust in them. Never having to worry about what might happen if we found ourselves alone and those primal instincts of jumping each other’s bones rearing itself.

Usually they had girlfriends whom for most turned into long term relationships if not wives. But here in the later years as we are all approaching the first of those milestone birthdays, I have noticed things have changed, changed drastically. As some, including myself, have endured breakups and divorces the tables have turned. And unfortunately some of those long term friendships I’ve had to let go of.

Let go of due to those primal instincts taking hold. No longer can we stay up laughing and joking all night as it turns into who can jump who first. Can I ask why and what has changed? Is it with age that these casual encounters seem less faux pas? It is after all someone that I have the upmost trust for and added bonus it’s not some random. But the thing is it’s not due to having feelings for each other, more of maybe filling that loneliness void. In the short term it’s great, fucking fantastic.  No strings attached.

As the weeks and months go by though the confusion sets in. One of us seems to meet someone that we want a relationship with and have those more than friends feelings for. Which in turn leads to the other singleton left out in the dark, wondering. Crawling up in their head trying to figure out did they have feelings for that friend.  Or was it just filling the loneliness void, a moment of vulnerability?

I have walked both sides of the equation and decided no more. No more crossing that friendship line with any of my long term friends of the opposite sex. Long term being defined as they knew me pre-divorce, pre-kid, or pre-marriage. Essentially they have grown through the years with me. As I have discovered it ends badly. For some people maybe not but in my experiences over the past few years it is just plain messy.

But what about those I have met since the long term definition? Here’s where it gets even trickier. I met this guy a few years back randomly. We chatted and hit it off immediately. I was attracted to him but we were both in our own separate, weird dating relationships at the time. Kept in touch though and a great friendship grew of it. We tell each other everything and when I say everything it’s all the nitty gritty. We don’t roam in the same circle of friends so I guess you could say we felt safe baring it all. My confidant, a therapist of sorts.

Few months ago it all changed. One night staying up being goofy, as he was trying to get me over the latest heartbreak, that friendship line was broken. Well to say the least it was erased into oblivion. As we were both suffering our own relationship woes we decided to enter into this whole “helping each other through it” arrangement. The two of us being emotionally detached peoples it was great at first.

Then it evolved. Not just a night here and there. But every weekend and the occasional week night. It dawned on me one of the last weekends he was here while we were folding clothes that I can’t differentiate is he being helpful as a friend or something more. It’s all blurred, I mean come on we were folding clothes on a Saturday night. So many mixed signals

He is talking to his ex again and asking me for advice. Before all this I wouldn’t have thought twice about giving advice but honestly I don’t think I can now because my own feelings could occlude it. I will admit when he talked about the ex I had those infernal stabs of jealously raging internally, and that took me by surprise.

Now here I sit pondering what the hell to do with this all. Again asking that damn question:

Can you really just be friends with someone of the opposite sex?  And not give in to those primal instincts….

~Snarky Coppertop

My Dog Almost Died Last Night

Not even exaggerating on this one. So, here’s what happened:

Last night, the hubs was cleaning out the rest of the fried chicken from the fridge. We have several dogs-one small(Petunia the chihuahua) and one medium largish (Molly-the mixed breed chunky butt). They, along with our cats, were gathered around my husband like peasants begging for gruel from their kindly lord, eyeing the chicken he was eating most covetously. And, like every kindly lord, he gave out bites of chicken to his adoring and hungry subjects. Except one of these little peasants was a greedy bitch who took what was not hers.

Petunia.

The chihuahua.

Now…I admit, her greediness is a bit my fault. I indulge her with treats and snacks. I hold her frequently. She comes to my warehouse office with me. She goes shopping at the farmers market with me. Molly gets car sick so she is not much of a traveler, but Petunia is my purse puppy (although I carry her in large totes with blankies for cushion so she is comfy) and I can take her pretty much anywhere.

So, back to the Near Puppy Death Experience.

As husband was dropping pieces of chicken, he made the pieces appropriate for the animal he was feeding. Molly, being a tad slow on the uptake, failed to grab her piece in time and in darted Petunia, stealing the rather large piece. She took it to the hall. And then she came back to the kitchen. We didn’t notice anything was wrong until she started losing her footing. Her hind legs started going out from under her and I saw her eyes wide with fear! Husband was like, “Something is wrong with her!” I grabbed her, squeezed around her chest and forced her mouth open and sliding out of her throat came the ENTIRE piece of chicken she had stolen from Molly. It was too large. She was too small. And she had tried to greedily swallow it whole to keep it from Molly.

My poor baby almost died because she was trying to keep food from her sister. Instead of chewing it, or attempting to chew it, she swallowed a piece that was too big to fit down her throat and my dog almost choked to death. I held her close for a long while after that. She was relieved, her tiny body sagging against mine, her head nuzzling under my chin, her tiny paws gripping at the wrist of the hand that held her to me. My baby was hugging me, holding me just like I was holding her.

Today, she is with me at work. I expect every day I go to the warehouse office, she will go with me from now on. She has always been precious to me since I got her almost 4 years ago. And seeing her almost die last night reaffirmed I need to make being a better pet parent more of a priority. So I will spend more time with her, be more attentive, love on her more. Because I almost lost her last night. I’m so glad I didn’t!!

~The Grey

Petunia

Petunia, at work with her Mommy!