The Insecure Woman Who Could

via Daily Prompt: Capable

It wasn’t as though I always believed myself worthy of success. Growing up, I was always scared of success. Because if I could succeed, then surely, I could fail. The fear of failure is crippling. Things I never relayed to my parents, why I hated the “P” word so much (Potential, in case your mind went other places), why I always performed up to, but not fully, my capabilities all through school. I always held back. Because fear. Fear of failure, fear of disappointing my parents, teachers, and mostly, myself. My fear kept me from being the straight A student I could have been and that harmed me more than failing ever could. I stunted myself because of fear…and I let that trend continue as I got older.

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It took going through hell-fire to learn how to fail without fear. To learn how to live without fear. It took doing things that scared me the most to realize the experience and the journey is so much more satisfying because I *did* them rather than fantasizing about them. I feared failing when I went back to college. I was a young single mom to three children. But I had an amazing support system and that gave me just enough confidence to take that leap and apply. I got in. I feared failing my classes because I did not want to waste the money and the time that I had. College is expensive! And I was paying for this, securing all the grants and loans, on my own. This was my debt, my educational burden to bear. And I won’t lie, I failed some classes. Oh did I ever fail some classes. But, I didn’t let that discourage me enough to quit. Instead, I used that to propel me forward to do better, so I could graduate. So I could get my degree. And I did it. I rocked my senior seminar class, wrote a thesis that led to me acing my senior seminar class, and that was a great accomplishment in my own eyes. And I got my degree.

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Post graduation, I was afraid of moving forward into the big, bad world to get a real “big girl” job, because what if no one wanted me? What if I thought I could do it and was wrong? What if I…FAILED?!?!?! SURPRISE…failure happens. I’ve had a few jobs since graduation. One of them I was actually fired from because I was not performing to the standards of what the owner of the company thought was necessary. It wasn’t that I was not doing my job, it was that my job expectations and duties kept changing and zero effective communication took place. But I also don’t handle micromanaging very well and he was slightly…well, super extreme type A and had a really condescending and slightly explosive attitude. And as humiliating as it was to get that pink slip, I was more relieved than anything because I wasn’t happy there. I wasn’t respected and I never would be. So getting fired was amazing. ALL that stress was simply gone. And guess what? I didn’t die.

face-your-fear-quote

I still do things that scare me. Just to try it. I traveled to NOLA all by myself, twice, to vacation in the city. I loved that time to myself and wish to return to NOLA so bad I can taste it. I fell in love with a city when I did something that scared me. I went to a haunted house that had zombies who chased my husband and me. It scared me. I cried. I didn’t die. But I do know that I will  N E V E R visit a haunted house again because I do N O T like any of that shit. I contributed to an anthology that was recently published. THAT was scary! But they didn’t reject the essay I wrote. And it was reviewed well. So I conquered, at least a little bit, that fear of failure.

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There is still so much more that I can and want to do. And now I know, for the most part anyways, that I am capable, I am worthy, I am better than good enough. As long as I do not let fear dictate the steps I don’t take, as long as I continue to maintain confidence and realistic expectations, I can do what I want and need to do to succeed.

Don’t let fear take away your ability to move forward. Don’t let your insecurities steal from you life experiences that are rewarding, gratifying, once-in-a-lifetime events that you will regret skipping over. Let that fear drive you to push past the boundaries you have set because who knows? You may find that pushing past this fear has led you to the most successful time in your life.

 

 

Remembering the Lost

I’ve had some ups and downs here lately. And yesterday, I had a big shock. A dear friend, someone I have known for the past 24 almost 25 years of my life, died.

He was an enigma. Rob was someone who, as cliche as it is, marched to the beat of his very own drum. He was never one to conform, always trying to new, different, and sometime dangerous things in life for the experience and the thrill. Rob was easy to love, easy to hate, easy to forgive. He had a way about him that would draw you in, anger or not, and you would find yourself smiling in amusement at the conversational twists, turns, and topics. Rob was, simply put, himself.

I met him in middle school. He was a wild child, bucking against authority and that appealed to every young girl he knew and met. He was a “bad boy” in his thrift store gear and combat boots, as though he was daring anyone to challenge his sense of self and style. I knew, from the moment I met him, that despite everything, we would remain life long friends. You see, it isn’t often you meet your male counterpart who shares the same birthday-year, month, and day…with only a few hours of difference between time. He was my birthday twin. And there was a friend connection that lasted over two decades and while he is no longer with us, that connection will remain for the rest of my natural life. I am sure that I am not alone in this sentiment.

He was a father, a brother, a son, a friend. And while I won’t lie and say he made only the best choices in his life, I will not stoop to slander him either by saying he was the worst kind of person; I truly believe he was a good man with a good heart and a lost spirit who only wanted to find his true and rightful place in this world. Everyone has a dark side. It’s our choice as to how much of that we share with others. And Rob, while he kept some things to himself, shared these moments with those he trusted. Not many people do that.  He was a musician. A talented guitarist and piano player. He loved his friends and his family with a fierceness. He was someone who loved and needed love in return.

I shall mourn the loss of my friend. I shall mourn the lost time with him here on this earth. But I shall celebrate his life. I shall celebrate his spirit. I shall celebrate him.

Rest In Peace, Robert F Cook IV. I hope to one day see you again on the shores of Valhalla.

rob

til vi møtes igjen bror

schwabs-obits-viking-funeral-illust

Full Bellies & Empty Souls

Dear Paul Ryan,

I want to talk to you today about what I read in an article from Time Magazine. Here is the link: Paul Ryan Says Free School Lunches Give Kids ‘An Empty Soul’ I want to address the  idiotic thing you said to CPAC. Yep, that’s right. I called it idiotic. Because expecting children to want dignity more than to not be hungry means you are expecting them to go hungry. Let’s say that together…slowly.

“I, Paul Ryan, would rather children go hungry with dignity than have full bellies from a “free lunch”.”

Guess what, Paul Ryan? That makes you a certifiable douche nozzle. Now, lets look at statistics for a second, which you seem to have cleverly ignored in your bid to end the liberal left from wanting all children fed equally…but then, your policies never have gone in that direction, have they?

A quick Google Search pulls up a host of articles that show the affects of hunger in relationship with how children learn and the effects of hunger on a child’s ability to learn. Just pulling the abstract, from a scholarly publication, btw, and it says this:

“This study investigates the correlation between food insecurity, educational achievement, and health among kindergarten children in the United States. Data from the Early Childhood Longitudinal Study—Kindergarten Cohort are used to analyze educational achievement and physical growth of kindergartners faced with food insecurity. The results demonstrate that children begin to experience the effects of food insecurity even at the most marginal level of household food deprivation. Children in households with any signs of food insecurity score lower and learn less during the school year.”  -Winicki, J. and Jemison, K. (2003), Food Insecurity and Hunger in the Kindergarten Classroom: Its Effect on Learning and Growth. Contemporary Economic Policy, 21: 145–157. doi:10.1093/cep/byg001

There is even this article, published in The Journal of Nutrition. Do me a favor, read it.

I’ll even provide the link…here ya go: Food Insecurity Affects School Children’s Academic Performance, Weight Gain, and Social Skills1,2,3

Paul Ryan, did you even do your research? Did you? Did you tell your speech writers to do their research? Guessing from your speech, you did not.

Children do not deserve to go hungry. Children do not deserve to have their learning abilities hindered because YOU and the rest of your Republican cohorts believe that “dignity” is over hunger and should always be considered before feeding a hungry child.

I am ashamed of you and for you, Paul Ryan. I am ashamed that, as a father, you would suggest that a child go hungry. Where is your conscience, sir? Where is your heart? And most importantly, where is your compassion?

As a parent, it hurts my heart when I hear of a child who isn’t eating because their parents can’t afford to buy them lunch. It hurts my heart to know that there are kids out there with that awful, gnawing feeling telling them it’s time to eat and they have nothing to satiate that hunger. Also, I was that mom whose kids were on the Free or Reduced lunch program. I sacrificed *MY* dignity in order to make sure my kids were fed. Why? Because their need for nutrition outweighed my own pride. I would sacrifice my pride and dignity for them any day…but I am a mother-a parent- and that is just what parents do. Did I like doing that? Absolutely not. But their need to eat outweighed my own discomfort and it became a non-issue.

Paul Ryan, I hope you listen to what people are saying. Not just what the upper middle class white suburban republicans are saying to you. Not just what the lobbyists and political demagogues are saying… I hope you listen to those who have taken part in these programs and have benefited from them. I hope you read the research and evidence that is out there which shows nutrition and hunger play a significant role in how our young people learn, grow, and mature. And I hope you realize that your words are potentially condemning the youth of this nation to hunger, pain, suffering, and diminished education. Your words are powerful, Paul Ryan, and with power comes great responsibility. Try to use yours for good instead of the bullshit you seem to believe is “right”.

Sincerely,

A Mother who thinks you are pretty much scum.

 

I did a thing…

and that thing was contribute to an anthology of essays for a book. It was finally published and printed. Here is the link to it

The Goddess in America

That is for the e-book. You can get it in print as well. I did. And it is Prime eligible.

If you are interested in different cultures, religions, and feminist opinions, I suggest you read this. I loved writing my piece for it and I am so excited to read the rest of the book.

My piece is called, “From Marilyn to Maleficient, Pop Goes the Goddess”

I hope y’all enjoy it!

Soul Band-Aids

I’m tired. I am tired of “the end is nigh” and I am tired of “stop being all butthurt, you liberal crazies” and I’m tired of all of the violence and the hate and the disgusting, vile nature of humans that has been revealed since the election happened last week.

My soul hurts for all of the people.

So, here are some band aids for anyone else’s soul in case they need them.

 

No More Cat Declawing!

Strangers being decent!

Cops doing good things for the community

I’ve included just a few things to read/watch and make you smile. I pulled them from Sunnydays and the Good News Network. There *are* good things going on in the country right now. Even though it seems as though we are being inundated with all of the bad, remember: GOOD THINGS ARE STILL HAPPENING. WE can not forget to smile in the face of adversity, no matter how hard it seems.

I love you all.

XOXO

A Call To Action

Time is of the essence.

I know there are tons of people out there who voted for Trump who are not bad people. They are not racists or homophobes nor do they want to deport all the illegal immigrants while dancing on the revoked food stamp cards and BLM t-shirts of others. They were fed up with the political climate and decided to take drastic measures and vote someone into office with whom they, in any other situation, would rather not associate. Someone who promised them *everything* they wanted, who said *all* the things these disheartened voters wanted to hear. This is a huge wake up call. Washington needs to see. They need to listen. They need to remember they are elected officials who are supposed to represent the people of this country and they are supposed to do things in our best interests and not their own. But is has always been a boys club and the electoral college..whom I believe is guilty of gerrymandering…went against the popular vote (what WE THE PEOPLE wanted, no less) and elected this man president. This shocking, unconventionally popular man who has made a name for himself in the public’s eye as someone who will gladly insult you should you even appear to be against what he wants.

So…for those of us who are sitting here wringing our hands, wondering what to do next other than be consummed by fear, stop. STOP. Stop the hand wringing. Stop the blaming. It is what it is. And all we can do is come together in an organized fashion to make sure next go around, something like this doesn’t happen again.

I have seen calls to action. Petitions to disband the Electoral College (an idea I am not wholly unopposed to) have already started circulation via email. Groups dedicated to fighting the good fight started during the campaign and now it’s members are pulling together to help us all become more politically active and aware. People are pulling together, declaring themselves allies and friends of people of color, of the LGBTQ community, of immigrants, of all of those who will potentially be negatively impacted by any of the political ideology espoused by the new President elect.

So, dear readers, I encourage you to get out there and act. Non-violently, of course. Do your research. Make sure the information you are giving out is not some overblown rhetoric that has been falsified via Facebook or even Wikipedia. Watch ALL the news channels. Find a group of like minded individuals and see whast you can contribute…be it phone calls, letter writing, blogging, interviewing, data compiling, or even just supporting others by being a listening ear. Stand up for those you see being treated unkindly, unfairly, unjustly. Say something to the people who are spewing the hateful words towards marginalized people. Make sure others know you are a safe person to go to, someone they can trust. Show compassion and kindness and don’t be afraid to tell people, if how they are behaving is wrong or discriminatory, that they need to stop and don’t back down until they do.

It is so cliche but it is so true. BE the change you want to see in the world. Put out kindness and compassion and understanding and hopefully, it will help make change. NEVER STOP FIGHTING.

“This loss hurts. But please, never stop believing, that fighting for what’s right is worth it,” ~ Hillary R Clinton, 2016

#I’mSTILLwithHER

Last night was…well, if I am being honest, it was devastating. I fell into a fitful sleep next to my husband who chose to stay up and watch the rest of the election. I awoke this morning with a pit in my stomach…that overwhelming sense of dread was so strong and as I checked my phone (as I do every morning) I realized why the dreadful feeling was there.

Trump won.

My intuition told me what happened and the onslaught of sadness, disappointment, and-worst of all-FEAR came cascading over me much like an avalanche would cover unsuspecting hikers of the Himalayan Mountains. I got dressed-reluctantly-and made my way to work. And when I did dare to speak on what happened, I couldn’t keep the tears from flowing as the reality of what happened set in.

Trump won.

Misogyny won. Racism won. Bigotry, hate, fear, homophobia, rape culture, and arrogance won.

Well…it won the election. But it did not win me.

I did NOT choose him. I can count myself among the many who chose love, hope, positivity, inclusivity, diversity, and a desire for effective change and even though those choices did not win the election, they helped to open my eyes to what needs to be done.

NO MORE FEAR. We CAN NOT let fear rule us now. We CAN NOT let fear dictate our lives. We must move forward, we must ACT to make this country what it is supposed to be and what it CAN and WILL be if we all come together to tell those who would try to silence us that WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED.

So stand with me. Stand with the rest of the nation so grievously wronged by the outcome of this election. Stand tall. Stand proud. Stand for those who can’t and those who have yet the ability to stand. Take action. Get involved in your local political groups. Look at your children, your friends, your family who will be negatively impacted and stand with me so THEY can have a better future.

I can tell you who I am standing for-I am standing for my daughters and for my son, for my niece and nephews, for my friends and family of color, for my friends and family in the LGBTQ Community, for my immigrant friends, for my friends who are chronically ill. I stand for them because I believe they deserve better than what was handed to us last night. I stand for them because the actions I take today can help make a better life for them tomorrow. So stand with me. For the fight has only just begun.

#ImSTILLwithHER

#PantsSuitNation

#HRC

 

Share your blog! Help Each Other Out – Team Tangible — BrewNSpew

Cuz sharing is caring!!!

Originally posted on Tangible Triumph: LETS ALL HELP EACH OTHER First of all If you re-blog this post you help me, I help you and you help your readers, so everyone wins.. There are thousands of good blogs out there and think of all of that we are missing. Source: Share your blog!

via Share your blog! Help Each Other Out – Team Tangible — BrewNSpew

Save The Drama For Your Mama

My husband and I have been binge watching a show on Hulu to catch up to recent episodes. The show is ‘Empire’-a story about a recording label started by a rap/R&B artist, built upon the CEO’s musical talent as well as on the back of his wife’s 17 year imprisonment for slinging dope to help make ends meet and to raise capital for the start of said company. It is FULL of drama. ALL the drama. Sex, drugs, mental illness, relationships both hetero and homosexual, deceipt, betrayal, love, honor, loyalty, respect and the lack there of…it’s ALL there. Within the first few episodes, I noticed a pattern. Going on a hunch, I asked the almighty Google and sure enough, Empire is based on Shakespearean drama…King Lear, MacBeth, Antony and Cleopatra, etc…all of the episodes have something that ties it to a particular, if not more than one, Shakespearean drama. Which I find fascinating.

We humans, as a collective whole, thrive on drama, it seems. We have been writing, reading, performing, and watching dramas for centuries as a form of entertainment. It has even leaked over into reality. Look at the state of our politics! The past two presidential debates have been more focused on drama, arguing, mudslinging, and defense than they have on actually debating the issues. Perhaps that is because of who the two candidates are, but at the same time have we, as a collective, really tried to keep the focus on the issues? In my humble opinion: No. Not really. And not whole heartedly if any of us have tried.

It is nice to have some fictionalized drama to fall back upon when one needs to escape into television shows. But why can’t we just leave it at that? Why must we pull that level of contrived drama into reality and MAKE it news and politics and what we deem most important to report upon? Why can’t we let the drama stay on television shows that are supposed to be dramatic and focus our attentions to the reality of what is around us? We have massive student loan debt, millenials that are faced with fixing the economy those before them screwed up all while realizing the very dire possibility it can’t be fixed, extreme poverty, national debt that is in the trillions and growing every day, a Cold War that *never* ended despite the media and all other unreliable sources telling us it did, a growing fanatical power in the Middle East that is threatening the safety of people continents away, a greater focus on the inequalities that people of color face every day that leads to biased policing, biased conviction rates, biased “justified” police shooting deaths of supposed perpetrators of color, more claims of sexual impropriaties towards women by men in power, rampant homophobia, rampant bigotry…the list goes on and on and on… One would think with the amount of drama we have going on in our nation *without* the presidential race going on it would be enough…but no. As stated before…just watch the last two presidential debates (I’m sure they are on YouTube somewhere). FULL of drama.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I will stick to watching fictionalized drama on the television screen instead of watching it play out in our nations politics. My night time soap operas can be played out by paid actors and actresses instead of politicians who are supposed to be working for the good of our country (snort)…
Sorry…the last bit of that sentence made me laugh. I think we all know that politicians are paid actors and actresses, too…the only difference between them and real celebrities are the celebrities KNOW what they do is fiction and is meant for entertainment while politicians believe the drama they bring to the table affects real change.

I wish I had a clever bit to end this rant post with but my brain isn’t caffeinated enough yet. So I will end with this: My opinions are my own. I don’t expect nor care if anyone agrees with my viewpoints. Yes, this is a somewhat political post, but I don’t talk about giving my support to one candidate or the other, nor will I reveal who I really support. But I wish I could have a sit down with them both. Because if I did, I would tell them both this: Save the drama for your mama…and stick to the issues. Care more about this country than you do your own agenda. And if you don’t have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up.

And JUST when I thought things were getting better….

I get slammed with all new insanity. Someone up there is laughing at me.

Ever live in a house infested with mold?

I have. At the end of August, I discovered a ginormous wet spot in our rental home’s dining room corner. Upon further investigation, it seems the HVAC condensation line had been leaking (between the walls, mind you) for only who knows how long and there was MOLD GROWTH that was all the way up in the master bedroom closet to all the way down in the kitchen. Mold growth on the OUTSIDE of the walls…which means it was leaking for a while!

Mold, y’all. MOLD. YUCK.

So of course, we got the *F* outta there. The leasing company released us from our lease agreement without penalty, thankfully, so now my brood and I are living with my parents (which is a whole other blog post) until I can find another home. Which means a new adventure of trying to buy a house. How fun!

And, as icing on the cake, at the beginning of September someone decided to try and make a left hand turn through my brand new, only made TWO payments on it car. This is not a new to me pre-owned car. This was a straight off the lot, brand new car where the only mileage on it was from test drives.

So there is that.

Currently, the things that filled my home are sitting in storage. Currently, my car is sitting at the collision center that my family has used for an umpteen number of years and I have no clue when I will get her back.

I had intended to keep up with this blog after my last post but…if my intentions were used for anything other than updating my blog, it would be for paving the road to hell…if I believed in hell. And again, life got in the way.

But seriously, can the universe just stop now? I’m tapping out. The mysterious “They” say events happen in threes. Well, I have had my three happen this summer right on top of each other and I am done. I give. I don’t know what else to do to get it through to whomever is laughing at me up there that the joke has been played out and is no longer funny. I’m ready for my life to be normal again. Well…as normal as it will ever be. I’m ready to sleep in my big bed, ready to have my own space, ready to drive my own car instead of this shitty rental.

These are all very first world, very whiny, priviledged wants and desires. I am fortunate to have a great job so I can afford my vehicle, fortunate to be able to pay for the awesome insurance I have (State Farm kicks ass, y’all) so my car can get fixed and I can HAVE a rental instead of driving around a wrecked car with a wheel that might fall off an any given moment. I am very fortunate to have the family support so I had a safe place for my children and pets when we moved and a roof over our heads until we move into our new house (when I find/buy it). I am extremely fortunate to be able to wake up everyday and have the coffee I want, wear the clothes I want, eat the food I want, etc etc etc…I get it. I am a very priviledged white chic who should count her blessings. And I do, believe me I do.

My situation could be vastly different. I’m so very cognizant of that. My life is pretty blessed compared to most so I really shouldn’t complain. I really shouldn’t but…

Dammit, I want my car back. I want my house. I want my LIFE AS I KNEW IT back!!! The only constant in the universe is change. I know that. Understand that. And I know that in order to grow, change must occur…but why does it all have to be at once?

Life.

It is something I don’t excel at at the moment, but I’m working on it. If anyone finds the instruction manual, send it my way, will ya? I’m struggling….